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I Fucking LOVE You.   
12:28pm 18/10/2004
mood: I don't know.
Hard to write when mothers think you're shit and no good - not good enough to use the computer. I got a job at ExtendedStay and always have to knock three times and say "Housekeeping!" before I can walk in. Everything's improving, and Jen turns 18 today.

I went into last weekend just waiting waiting to fuck the Don (Matt A.) but by the end of the weekend I started looking at Mike Aragona, who likes good music, stays fucked up, and is a sweetie who likes me (according to Kim (soon-to-be Aragona, who's living with Carm and fucking Matt) and Jen and Matt) and I like him too I think only it seems like we're both too shy to ever talk and weed doesn't help. But the scary thing is that every crush feels emptier than the one I had on Sunny and I feel like he took a piece of me and it didn't grow back and there's a hole left. And I wonder if that was the only real attraction and all the others are just me and how I love being in love....or can I still give love and mean it for real, even if I know I'll never really be over Sunny?

Anyway I got Aragona fever lately, cause even Kenny's looking good. (Well, he's the hottest one, and really cool and older, but has HERPES.)

I want some new shit, though...well, not an STD or anything...what?....not sure what all to say cause I feel like I've already said everything about all that old shit already and nothing new is going on....ah.

Marijuana, I love you.
Sex, I love you (and boys.)
Life, everyting, I fucking LOVE you!

(7 satellites | make a wish)

09:25am 06/10/2004
mood: nostalgic
More than anything in this cold weather, I want somebody perfect to share it with. I guess I decided that settling for Jon isn't even better than being alone. Because we were parasites, and eating each other up unhappy. Which we agree on, for once. Too much hurt, there, and not enough of the other end of the spectrum.

Cold weather, it makes me nostalgic and contemplative, and when I turn the heat on in the car, I can't help but think of Sunny. I'm not even sure of the root of that association. I like it, though. Jen says that summer is for drinking and winter for potsmoking, because summer is for running around crazy making memories, and winter is for remembering...maybe? Well, I'm feeling melancholy, but in a really beautiful way. Sometimes even my pinching sadness makes me happy, just because I feel really alive.

I want a man and a job. Really I can't deny it - I want Sunny, and I don't know anybody else that will do (yikes!) Matt Aragona doing it incest-style with his brother's post-baby-delivery wife, Kim. Joz has a girl in the country who is supposedly no match for me, but I feel like it's too late to try. Something.

Yesterday blasts from the past hanging out with Liz and Chasity. Jimmy. Old friends. Jersey Mike's, with the old bosses from Cinema 6. I wonder what's going to happen this fall. I'm happy! I'm scared! I don't know what to think about anything anymore!

Jen says we're going to San Diego. And with all this confusion and death and endings, I think that is just what the doctor ordered.

(make a wish)

This Is My Favorite Time of Year   
10:37am 20/09/2004
mood: smellgood
And fall has come to Carolina. Instantly it came, and here's me sitting in my tin can like usual, only now I'm wearing a sweater. Winter is for less drinking, more pot-smoking. For laying in bed with teddy bear guys (unfortunately Jon right now, but I like to imagine that he's Sunny...) and drinking hot drinks spiked with liquor and watching good movies with good friends.

I love Steamen, just thought I'd mention. Incidentally, I love Jen and her newly-curly hair, too.

Last night me and Steamen rode around drinking after we dropped off Jen. Got rowdy and loud, stealing family cars and all. Got up with Jon so we could cruise in the Armada. Have Steamen whip it while me and Jon did the damn thing in the back. Which is pretty fucking cool, no? Everything so intimate, but mostly that way between me and Steamen - I don't feel close to Jon, and I don't want to be. So.

Matt Watson has appeared again, saying he's still as sprung on me as he ever was. That he wants to take me on trips and that he wants me to go to Wilmington with him and not pay for anything! Don't like that idea, cept for I want to be down there where there is endless inspiration for writing, and I can chase Sunny around town till he stops running from me. Take drugs. Not work. Steamen thinks it's a magic idea, though. I don't know about all that.....tho I would certainly love to leave this town behind....

This is my favorite time of year. Nothing but holidays from here till January, when it better snow, or I'll just complain about how summer should hurry and come.

(Note: I have a growing butterfly-anticipation here, because last winter was so crazy amazing....could we have another late 2003?)

(make a wish)

Goodbye E-Com   
02:25pm 17/09/2004
mood: sad
and I wish so badly that I could watch this place burn down. I hate it here with a passion I never feel for anything work-related. A strong, strong hatred of a job is exhilarating like a love for one. But very unpleasant. I hate this place, and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

I may have a job at Books-A-Million (pray for me!) but it isn't quite definite enough for me to leave here...yet. I'm just waiting for one word from them, and I'll leave here immediately. I might anyway, tho this is the first time in my life that I haven't quit a job spur-of-the-moment when it got to be no fun anymore...maybe this time I will stick it out until something better is definite. But the waiting is so hard that I want to cry

but at least Nick's here, well he's down kind of far away but he's in the building and somehow I like him sort of...maybe...I don't know what's going on ever ever EVER

I just know I don't want to be here, and I want to be somewhere smoking and talking to Nick cause it seems like we never run out of conversation

and for some reason, now I really want to cry....

(make a wish)

Still Funny   
03:37pm 14/09/2004
  And what's even funnier is how I figured out everything that went wrong with Sunny, and with me. How it was just like Steamen falling so hard for Jen that he couldn't help but screw it up....

....how you didn't mean to let it slip that you are doing the damn thing with the one of your dreams and then it does slip and you know everything is about to be wrecked but all you can do is watch....

....and know that maybe for a splitsecond you possessed that one thing you'd always wanted so bad - even before you knew you wanted it - but it's about to go away and you have to watch it happen.

And there's the Sunnys and Jens who think wow, how cool is it that I made a fuckbuddy in somebody I'm so close to! Fun! I just hope they don't get attached, cause nobody can possess me! and of course the LaLas and Steamens are attached as hell, cause we are just regular people (cool ones) and they are really dreams, which are always so much more alive (?)

So we try and try so hard to act like everything's normal - sure, friendship is still the same, cept for the casual sex. But nothing can possibly be that casual! We refuse to believe it!

And suddenly everything's wrecked and even friendships can't survive without being all pale and distant in comparison with before....

It's funny still. Funny I found this out.

(make a wish)

It's Funny.   
02:18pm 14/09/2004
mood: happy
It's funny cause now that the Jonsmoke has cleared, I see Sunny again (albeit in the distance) and his eyes are legend now, cause we haven't been near each other for months. Now it's like he's a voice on the phone. A phantom ghost-car maybe driving around (course there's so many cars just like his and I know he's fifty miles away now but I can't help but look every time I see one of them....)

It's funny that I'm looking at everyboy, sizing them up. Wondering wondersome things about dick size and workitability and silly things I make up to amuse myself in uncertain times. I think it's time to revitalize the green-eyed-boy love days when Jen and me thought Charlie and Sunny were rockstars or gods or something anyway, and you'd believe us if you saw their eyes.

On the real, we are not exaggerating about their eyes so many conflicting shades of green (with supplemental gray|brown|blue|yellow|silver|gold...) Damn those boys!

It's funny because the world seems so new today, and I feel like a million bucks. I feel like a million words and coffee and drinks and cigarettes and coming right along and coolness and literature.

I'm glad to know my friends, I'll say that. I'm so selective, so you guys should feel pretty special. Because you're the best people on the planet, as far as I'm concerned.

It's funny.

(make a wish)

My So-Called Life   
09:31am 13/09/2004
mood: happy
Remember the episode where Angela wakes up and starts dancing to the Violent Femmes, cause she decides she's over Jordan Catalano (only really as the season goes on, we realize she's not over him at all - ignore that part)?

I had one such revelation about Jon yesterday when I woke up. There's just nothing attractive about him anymore. He got robbed yesterday. Not at gunpoint or anything - he just got punked. That's so pussy. Unattractive. Frankly unmanly, if you ask me. There's definitely no chance of us ever being involved in any sexual way again. Sad (for him.) Happy (for me.)

Joz grew his hair out a little. He really looks like the devil now. In a good way. On my nuts all during my birthday party - boy howdy! He's definitely worth investigating further, though I don't like that me and him as fuck-buddies is no longer a secret (thanks Rob Dolo and Jimmy!) Who cares - Joz apparently doesn't....

Ten a.m. is too early for literary....anything. Want to work on the book, but I can't cause my mind is strictly survival and coffee this early. Thoughts about brown boys like Sunny who I never saw this weekend, and Joz who I saw but not as much as I would have liked cause Saturday nights pull everyone in opposing directions and fucking is out of the question when we all rolled out there with a posse that don't really separate till the sun comes up (well sure we'll separate to get some ass, but somehow that didn't happen Saturday night - well, it's okay.)

So I know I can't write pretty this morning, but at least I'm thinking pretty (and looking to match) and we'll try again in the afternoon...

Love....lust....brown boys....22.

(make a wish)

9:08 to 22   
02:52pm 10/09/2004
mood: anxious
I'm almost 22 years old and fancy that. That is rather fancy, isn't it? I smoked a blunt with Charlie|Rio and came to work late, because well...that's what I do, man. And on stomach-fluttery days like these where work is like school and you're just itching to break out! on days like these it's hard to concentrate...

...wondering if there's really a beach party in the works (I hope so!) and wondering if Sunny will be there. Hoping Charlie will bring Gino, cause he's so fucking cute to me! I would totally fuck him (if I didn't think he'd tell Sunny...I spose he would, not that it really matters, now does it?)

Bought some clothes today. Got a definitely noticeable spring in my step. A couple hickeys. A life less ordinary more ordinary than others but not so ordinary I get bored. I miss my friends. Makes tomorrow night at Wrightsville Beach seem even more desirable....

More later.

(make a wish)